Resources | Kat Kolegas

Resources

Here are some of the books I recommend on the road to exploring your sexuality, relationships and perhaps ultimately joining me in the pursuit of sex and relationship geekdom.  

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski

This book is a MUST READ for all people who have a vulva and those who love and want to have sex with those who have vulvas (yes, vulva, not vagina – vagina is a hole, vulva is the whole deal)! Not only does Emily Nagoski scientifically de-shamify everything about ones experience as a vulva owner, she nails home the fact that women’s sexuality varies as much as finger prints and that one must take into account not only technique, but also mood, stress, trust, body-image and a multitude of other central factors when pleasing a vulva owner.  A great starter in your new quest to sex-geekdom!

Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving

by Betty Dodson

Betty Dodson is the grandmother and queen of empowerment around masturbation and totally deshmafying women’s sexuality through the way of women uniting in masturbation circles, really learning about their bodies and how to please themselves.  She teaches about different tools for masturbation and how to become orgasmic through clitoral stimulation.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

by Esther Perel

If you have ever wondered why people often lose interest in their partners once they are domestic partners for a while, this book explains that scientifically and in great detail.  She also offers many solutions to people for reviving the eroticism that domesticity has killed. Esther Perel is also a renowned couples therapist and you can listen to some of her ‘sessions’ with clients for free on Audible.  I love her voice and she reads this book herself on Audible as well (if you are into voices like I am, you might want to check it out).

Side note: She leans toward the attachment side of things (versus individuation) which I find to be annoying, but nonetheless, she is a genius and her work is worth knowing about.

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

This book says it’s directed at women, but I believe anyone on the gender spectrum can gain from understanding the somewhat complicated concepts that Ms. Lerner presents in this book.  For me, it has been a way to realize I always have CHOICE in how I react to patterns in relationships. If I do the same thing over and over, I will have the same result.  If you are really serious about changing your patterns and living more authentically (albeit, riskily at the same time), this book is a must read.  Harriet Lerner challenges you to find out what is really under the ‘problems’ in certain relationships (often with a romantic partner) in your life…which almost never have anything to do with what’s really going on for you and therefore are merely symptoms to the larger insecurity that you can address in order to find more freedom in your life.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

This book is very connected to one’s personal work around sexuality and relationships.  Everyone has experienced some form of trauma just from being alive.  The intensity and nature of the trauma can impinge on one’s ability to connect with others, to trust and to be engaged and open to give and receive love and care in relationships.  In Body Keeps the Score, Trauma expert and researcher, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk leads us through his life journey in working with patients and how he started to realize and study the immense impact of past trauma on his patients who were suffering and desperate.  His cutting edge approach at the time of using alternative therapies to heal (like yoga, meditation, love from a therapist, etc.) proved to be more successful than any drug that had been prescribed.  His book also highlights the impact that healthy relationships can have on healing past trauma.  I know this first hand from working with clients. When people are able to form a secure attachment bond with me (or anyone) in combination with safety and body based therapies – great healing happens.  Read this book if you ever wonder what is behind your fear and insecurity around relationships and the role that your body plays in holding all the memories of the past.

Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure

by Sheri Winston

Recommended reading for those who want to understand female arousal and orgasm in depth.  A highlight that stuck out for me in this book is when she described women as being yin and needing to have a lot of warm up (circling in from the outside – like NOT the genitals, think hair, legs, arms – before going for the pussy) and men as yang (start at the cock and move out, but always concentrate on the cock).  Though speaking in the binary (as if there are just two ways to be, two genders – which Winston does address as a limitation in the beginning of the book) really irritates me, I found this to be useful information and just a basic piece of understanding to remember – WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!  And you cannot guess what someone loves and wants – you MUST speak up! Anyway, I did enjoy the information in this book as a way to uncover and normalize some women’s arousal patterns and to help understand why there is so much mismatch between heterosexual partners.

The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment

by Jack Morin, PhD

Jack Morin is great!  A dense read – super intellectual, less conversational, but great.  This book will help you understand what Core Erotic Theme is (what you want to FEEL during sex) and start to uncover yours.  He asserts that your CET is related to your childhood wounds (newsflash: we all have wounds!) and it is relatively unchangeable.  If you work with me, we will use your CET to create amazing sexual movies (what you can DO to get the feeling you desire from your CET) for your erotic bliss and fulfillment! I’m not sure if I made this up or heard it somewhere else, but this book is like the bible of sexuality.  He writes some great material on anal pleasure too -which I will post here shortly – but for now – I’ve met my computer pleasure tolerance…Are any of you readers interested in being hired to update my website for me? Seriously – message me:)

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